Last week I went with Nathaniel and his colleagues from Beyond Equality to assist with the delivery of a sex and relationships session with around 20 boys (around 13 years old) from Brighton College. The workshop is the second in a series of three, one a term with the same boys and facilitators, that starts with masculinity and end’s with discussions around violence. It was great and really illuminating. I wasn’t sure how the boys would take me being there but it didn’t seem to have any negative consequences and they were surprisingly open and thankfully well informed. It was heartening to hear to be honest. I made a tonne of notes and some key things I took away were really interesting and helpful.
One of the things that was reinforced for me however is the disparity on the these subjects between kids and parents. The access to info, the sheer volume of content that the kids are exposed to, and are away they’re exposed to, is so hugely different from their parents early formative experiences of sex. The disparity is also highlighted by language and expectations also. One thing that really struck me here was the common acceptance that kids would not only see porn or other sexual content but post it themselves (to whatever degree) at some point. It seemed like an inevitable conclusion that that’s going to happen at some point.
The boys had a very clear idea of what consent means along with it’s nuances and they were refreshingly honest about their opinions about porn, its use and influence. It did however feel like it could easily have been a more in-depth conversation about porn, everyone was comfortable and willing but the session both lacks the time and I think potentially the permission to go beyond a certain point from a safe guarding perspective. Nathaniel does a great job of engaging with the boys as do the other guys. It was exciting to see these motivated young men happy to give their time to this important conversation. They had all worked for free until very recently and were passionate and well informed, they clearly liked the work and loved the kids.
One of the boys, right at the end, had the most insightful and perfect question. Asking where, if they aren’t supposed to look at porn for info and insight into sex, should they look? Where should they get their info? What to parents/adults expect? He meant this in a genuine way and quite fairly I think. He’s absolutely right, where should they? It was difficult for Nathaniel to answer too because technically yes they should be getting this education from school but of course the curriculum is massively lacking and teachers are woefully under supported as well as there being massive lines in the sand that educational settings cannot cross when it comes to getting real about this subject matter. Of course Nathaniel gave them info about websites and resources for the kids to look at but its hard to say how much they’d look. If anything I think it would be better to offer them influencers and professionals on social media more, following them would keep that content reoccurring on their feeds and perhaps the knowledge then gained would be retained more that way too.
Going over my notes again has been helpful and I am extracting some key points/questions, I will be back in contact with Nathaniel also. I think it would be so interesting to ask the boys about their ideas of what is good or bad porn and what they thought of the “broccoli porn” idea. We teach them skills now to make distinctions between “real” and “fake” online news and media and I don’t think it would be hard to pivot those skills to look at porn. There may be a way to start forming a porn literacy class, for kids or adults, based loosely on what I have learnt from the Beyond Equality sessions.